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ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
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ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
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ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
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ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
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ON SAILORS: "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
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ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
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ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: When I was born, the doctor sai to my mother "Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham."